Anxiety and Paranoia and why I do the weird things I do
Although I think that social media can have it positives when it comes to mental health such as sharing stories, reducing isolation and raising awareness, it does too have it’s downside.
Most of my friends will have at some point been deleted from my friends list, and not because I no longer want to be their friend.
Sometimes, I get so paranoid, that people are just spying on me, laughing at me, that they aren’t really my friends – who would be? They have me on Facebook just so that they can laugh and judge me.
And that’s why when these feelings of paranoia arise, it’s just like a panic attack, my heart races, I feel sick, I’m so scared I go through my profile and delete large numbers of people at a time.
It’s quite sad because once I’m free from this state, I feel lonely and sad and I regret it. Sometimes I’ve even deleted the best of friends because they haven’t spoken to me in a while and I presume they must hate me.
The sad part is, when I get the guts to re-add people, a lot of them refuse to be my friend which is understandable. It is a funny world we live in when real life relationships are determined by the click of a button.
I’m very sensitive when it comes to being part of friendship groups. I’ve never felt a part of one – I always feel like the outsider. In school I was never allowed to go out with my friends, in the end no one invited me anymore and I would sit there while everyone told their stories and bonded… I felt so isolated. In the end I just kept myself to myself and persuaded myself that I was better off alone – that way no one could hurt me. And here began the dangerous path of cutting people out of my life as a coping mechanism.
Once I was older and allowed to go out, my anxiety had become so strong that my agoraphobia beat down any chances of going out and having fun anyway.
I really struggle with feeling left out, I have a group of friends and they are all so lovely, but it kills me every time I see them doing things without me, having their own group chats, making plans without me – and it is all my fault. It really sparks the paranoia in me, but now I am able to calm myself down.
Years ago I thought they didn’t like me, so as I do, in order to protect myself I cut them out of my life, I couldn’t risk the pain. Now, even though they forgave me and we are friends, I will never get back those years, and those years they spent bonding together.
Anxiety is a crippling, lonely, isolating disease.
I’m sorry if I have ever upset you by acting this way…