I’m so incredibly lucky to have been able to have over 3 years with my therapist. He has been there for probably one of the most transformative times in my life and has had such a huge impact on who I am today.
I decided to leave therapy because I needed to try and live in the present without constantly bringing up the past. It was quite naïve of me to think that that would be possible. My therapist had become a comfort blanket and I always found myself “waiting” for the next week. I felt like it was time to finally stand on my own two feet without needing to rely on him to dig me out of whatever emotional black hole I had descended into.
I am cheating a little because I still have my CBT therapist, although she has to finish her work with me soon. I’m really scared, to finally be on my own. It is different, with my psychotherapist I knew that I could always phone him if I needed help (although I never did). With my psychologist it is not the same.
I spent about 23 years managing my mental illness alone, (apart from the odd antidepressant prescribed by a GP), the waiting lists in the UK were so long, no doctors ever bothered to put me on them. I did pay for private therapy but as I was not working the guilt of using my husbands money to pay for it was too much and I stopped. I could not believe that after landing in Sweden I was given this help just like that, I kept trying to end the therapy because I felt so guilty having this commodity I knew so many people desperately needed. “In the UK you get about 8 sessions and that’s it – you’re done!” I would say. I felt completely selfish and a burden to be taking up his time.
The progress I made with him was astonishing and I can’t even recognize the person I was 3 years ago, but I still have a very long way to go. I wish it was simple and fixable instead of complex and a complete mess. I don’t think I will ever be better but I’m grateful that the changes in my life we made have led to me being a better mother, a stronger person and finally being able to make my dream of teaching come true.