Changes

My old medication zombified me, I was on it for ~ 10 years and although it helped the extreme anxiety and depression by dampening feelings, it also meant that happiness and joy were dampened too.

There comes a huge pressure along with not being able to laugh so easily. Sometimes it would come naturally, other times I would think “this is funny, I should be laughing” but nothing would come out; I would attempt an awkward ‘ha’ and I would spend the rest of the day and night worrying that I had probably offended that person by not laughing enough.

I didn’t really cry so much, unless I was really unwell. Sadness just felt like emptiness, grief, heartbreak. And I would dissociate.

I changed to another medication this year, because I finally have a doctor who really listens and genuinely cares about trying to improve my life. I didn’t really want to change. I thought, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; but I really trust him and the thought of it helping my nerve pain was worth a try.

Well, I hated this new stuff. I actually feel things. I cry ALL the time. I feel deep pain, sadness and grief, but I also feel happiness. In the beginning, the happiness wasn’t worth it. And it’s still hard, I feel it so strongly that I often cry when people show kindness.

But I’m finally realising that this pain is a blessing and it is a way for me to finally learn to sit with my feelings, and to stop being afraid of them.

So, I’m sorry for all the tears, but they’re not all so bad.

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